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ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly (Musca maledicta). The father of Zoology was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother has not come down to us.

Ambrose Bierce

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Ambrose Bierce
Born: 1842
Born: June 24
Aphorist
Journalist
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Meigs County
Ohio
Dod Grile
William Herman
Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce
Ambrose Bierce
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Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion in Constantinople, one who does.
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To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.
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The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses.
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Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable as, the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur..
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While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands, you are safe, for you can watch both his.
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OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe . . . . The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.
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FORCE, n. Force is but might, the teacher said p/ That definition's just./ The boy said naught but throught instead,/ Remembering his pounded head:/ Force is not might but must!
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An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.
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mine, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
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alone, adj. In bad company.
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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
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Self-restraint is indulgence of the propensity to forgo.
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San Francisco is the place where most people were last seen
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PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost.
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To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
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There's no free will, says the philosopher To hang is most unjust. There is no free will, assents the officer We hang because we must.
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A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
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