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PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

Ambrose Bierce

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Ambrose Bierce
Born: 1842
Born: June 24
Aphorist
Journalist
Poet
Science Fiction Writer
Writer
Meigs County
Ohio
Dod Grile
William Herman
Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce
Ambrose Bierce
Figures
Leadership
Countrymen
Groups
Positively
Numbers
Immense
Small
Leading
Known
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President
Men
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PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
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Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
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MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects have had occasion to learn.
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NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.
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Opportunity: A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
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Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
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Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.
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Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.
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LINEN, n. A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp.
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PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
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Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
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REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
Ambrose Bierce
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PICKANINNY, n. The young of the Procyanthropos, or Americanus dominans. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.
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PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.
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Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.
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Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it.
Ambrose Bierce
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PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn.
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DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.
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REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.
Ambrose Bierce
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LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system - an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males.
Ambrose Bierce