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BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.

Ambrose Bierce

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Ambrose Bierce
Born: 1842
Born: June 24
Aphorist
Journalist
Poet
Science Fiction Writer
Writer
Meigs County
Ohio
Dod Grile
William Herman
Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce
Ambrose Bierce
Parts
Thunder
Hell
Lightning
Four
Bloody
Clarified
Death
Grave
Cordial
Two
Satan
Brandy
Part
Graves
Liquor
Alcohol
Remorse
Murder
Composed

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APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider
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TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.
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ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear.
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An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.
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GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
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Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.
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Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral.
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PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians - who are Hogmies.
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Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.
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Take not God's name in vain select a time when it will have effect.
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Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
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Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.
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CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
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HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that
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TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source --the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens.
Ambrose Bierce
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Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.
Ambrose Bierce
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URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, I beg your pardon, and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.
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Quill: An instrument of torture yielded by a goose and commonly weilded by as ass.
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Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
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Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
Ambrose Bierce