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Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

Ambrose Bierce

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Ambrose Bierce
Born: 1842
Born: June 24
Aphorist
Journalist
Poet
Science Fiction Writer
Writer
Meigs County
Ohio
Dod Grile
William Herman
Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce
Ambrose Bierce
Faith
Divinely
Christian
Suited
Spiritual
Testament
Book
Believes
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Neighbor
Believe
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Belief
Admirably

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LOGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance while maturing a plan of revenge.
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POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines.
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BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.
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In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.
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Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
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For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.
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A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
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Cat: a soft indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
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History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
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EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.
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AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.
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ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.
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RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.
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diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Ambrose Bierce
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NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending.
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A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
Ambrose Bierce
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RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the conscience.
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Rhubarb: essence of stomach ache.
Ambrose Bierce