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Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

Ambrose Bierce

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Ambrose Bierce
Born: 1842
Born: June 24
Aphorist
Journalist
Poet
Science Fiction Writer
Writer
Meigs County
Ohio
Dod Grile
William Herman
Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce
Ambrose Bierce
Critics
Surface
Surfaces
Painting
Exposing
Art
Protecting
Critic
Flat
Flats
Weather

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LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder.
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UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife.
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MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul in woman, the outlet of the heart.
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A less popular name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.
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RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.
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MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.
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Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
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Cat: a soft indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
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You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.
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The sum of religion, says Pythagoras, is to be like him thou worshipest. Had Pythagoras lived in our day he would have seen his mistake. The sum of modern religion is to make him thou worshipest like unto thyself.
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Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.
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Houseless: Having paid all taxes on household goods.
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A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.
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RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.
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PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance... The Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one - the knowledge and the dream.
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EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.
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To those who view the voyage of life from the port of departure the bark that has accomplished any considerable distance appears already in close approach to the farther shore.
Ambrose Bierce
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recollect, v. To recall with additions something not previously known.
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Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
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critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.
Ambrose Bierce