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Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

Alonzo Bodden

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Alonzo Bodden
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: June 13
Actor
Comedian
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More quotes by Alonzo Bodden

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A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.
Alonzo Bodden
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Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
Alonzo Bodden
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I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.
Alonzo Bodden
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We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.
Alonzo Bodden
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Latinos outnumber Black people now. I'm not too happy about it. Because it's only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they're going to have Latino History Month. All we're going to have is Cinco de Negro.
Alonzo Bodden
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They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.
Alonzo Bodden
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Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.
Alonzo Bodden
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I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.
Alonzo Bodden
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I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.
Alonzo Bodden
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I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.
Alonzo Bodden
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I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.
Alonzo Bodden
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Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.
Alonzo Bodden
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Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
Alonzo Bodden
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The difference, generally speaking, between sportbike people and cruiser people is that sportbike people like performance skill and wear safety gear cruisers like chrome, noise, and style. It's funny to me to separate them because I ride both. I prefer performance cruisers like the Honda Valkyrie I had or my Triumph Rocket III.
Alonzo Bodden
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I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.
Alonzo Bodden
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I could always make people laugh.
Alonzo Bodden
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Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.
Alonzo Bodden
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I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.
Alonzo Bodden
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I ride because there’s nothing like in the world. It’s a passion. It’s something I absolutely have to do and I can never imagine not doing it.
Alonzo Bodden
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I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.
Alonzo Bodden