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I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

Alonzo Bodden

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Alonzo Bodden
Age: 62
Born: 1962
Born: June 13
Actor
Comedian
Voice Actor
Queens
New York
Saws
Highway
Right
Drove
Thing
Highways
Really
Figured
Men
Asian
Time
Driving
World
Save
Car
Scariest

More quotes by Alonzo Bodden

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I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.
Alonzo Bodden
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I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.
Alonzo Bodden
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They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.
Alonzo Bodden
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I ride because there’s nothing like in the world. It’s a passion. It’s something I absolutely have to do and I can never imagine not doing it.
Alonzo Bodden
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I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.
Alonzo Bodden
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Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
Alonzo Bodden
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Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.
Alonzo Bodden
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We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.
Alonzo Bodden
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I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.
Alonzo Bodden
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Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.
Alonzo Bodden
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Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.
Alonzo Bodden
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Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
Alonzo Bodden
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I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening.
Alonzo Bodden
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I could always make people laugh.
Alonzo Bodden
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Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.
Alonzo Bodden
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I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.
Alonzo Bodden
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Latinos outnumber Black people now. I'm not too happy about it. Because it's only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they're going to have Latino History Month. All we're going to have is Cinco de Negro.
Alonzo Bodden
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You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?
Alonzo Bodden
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In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.
Alonzo Bodden
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I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.
Alonzo Bodden