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The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have? I said, Fire and theft. The lawyer frowned. Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.

Alan King

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Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Caught
Fire
Wrong
House
Frowned
Problem
Theft
Kind
Coverage
Lawyer
Shouldn

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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
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As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
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As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
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My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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