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The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have? I said, Fire and theft. The lawyer frowned. Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.
Alan King
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Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Wrong
House
Frowned
Problem
Theft
Kind
Coverage
Lawyer
Shouldn
Caught
Fire
More quotes by Alan King
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.
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My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
Alan King
My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
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I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
Alan King
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
Alan King
I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'
Alan King