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The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have? I said, Fire and theft. The lawyer frowned. Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.

Alan King

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Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Lawyer
Shouldn
Caught
Fire
Wrong
House
Frowned
Problem
Theft
Kind
Coverage

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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex, it's more fun with someone who really likes it. I can't imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
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I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
Alan King