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The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have? I said, Fire and theft. The lawyer frowned. Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.

Alan King

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Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Kind
Coverage
Lawyer
Shouldn
Caught
Fire
Wrong
House
Frowned
Problem
Theft

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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex, it's more fun with someone who really likes it. I can't imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
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My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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