Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
Alan King
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Longer
Dieting
Lasts
Toilet
Last
Toilets
Funny
Fifteen
Live
Witty
Years
Exercise
Spend
Marriage
Bran
More quotes by Alan King
My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.
Alan King
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Alan King
Modesty is not one of my virtues.
Alan King
I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
Alan King
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
Alan King
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
Alan King
Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
Alan King
One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'
Alan King
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have? I said, Fire and theft. The lawyer frowned. Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.
Alan King
I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
Alan King
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
Alan King
Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex, it's more fun with someone who really likes it. I can't imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
Alan King
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
Alan King
We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
Alan King
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
Alan King
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
Alan King
I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.
Alan King
If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
Alan King
When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
Alan King
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
Alan King