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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

Alan King

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Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Marriage
Bran
Longer
Dieting
Lasts
Toilet
Last
Toilets
Funny
Fifteen
Live
Witty
Years
Exercise
Spend

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I was a high school throw-out.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
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I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex, it's more fun with someone who really likes it. I can't imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
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The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have? I said, Fire and theft. The lawyer frowned. Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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