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I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

Alan King

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Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Carnegie
Hall
Halls
Practice
Didn
Made

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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have? I said, Fire and theft. The lawyer frowned. Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.
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My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it's hard to turn away. Then, of course, you're hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
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There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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