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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.

Alan King

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Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Balls
Hours
Mother
Didn
Everything
Sank
Made
Fluffy
Cook
Cooks

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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.
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My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex, it's more fun with someone who really likes it. I can't imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
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My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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