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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.

Alan King

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Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Made
Fluffy
Cook
Cooks
Balls
Hours
Mother
Didn
Everything
Sank

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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
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Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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I was a high school throw-out.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have? I said, Fire and theft. The lawyer frowned. Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.
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As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.
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