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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.

Alan King

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Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Didn
Everything
Sank
Made
Fluffy
Cook
Cooks
Balls
Hours
Mother

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I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.
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My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.
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There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex, it's more fun with someone who really likes it. I can't imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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