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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.

Alan King

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Alan King
Age: 76 †
Born: 1927
Born: December 26
Died: 2004
Died: May 9
Actor
Film Actor
Film Producer
Stage Actor
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Made
Fluffy
Cook
Cooks
Balls
Hours
Mother
Didn
Everything
Sank

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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'
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I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
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One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'
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Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else's words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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