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The Act of God designation on all insurance policies which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.

Alan Coren

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Alan Coren
Age: 69 †
Born: 1938
Born: June 27
Died: 2007
Died: October 18
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More quotes by Alan Coren

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A humorist tells himself every morning, I hope it's going to be a rough day. When things are going well, it's much harder to make the right jokes.
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Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic... being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated - south from Sweden in about 500 BC why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.
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Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
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10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?
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I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
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Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come
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Disneyworld... is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin's, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan's. It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
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Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a Wirtschaftswunder, which can be briefly translated as The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one.
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All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
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Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
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Strictly speaking, the land does not exist it is merely dehydrated sea.
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Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
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The word souvenir has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless but even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
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To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
Alan Coren
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The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
Alan Coren
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Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.
Alan Coren
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Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
Alan Coren
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn't all the water gush out when you get in?
Alan Coren
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Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren't called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
Alan Coren