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My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

Adam Ferrara

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Adam Ferrara
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: February 2
Actor
Comedian
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Queens
New York
Nice
Hope
Tell
Meets
Girlfriend
Married
Wants
Somebody

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I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
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Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
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I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'
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Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
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My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.
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I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.
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As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'
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I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.
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I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.
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I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.
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You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'
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I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.
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My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'
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I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.
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The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'
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What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!
Adam Ferrara
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I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'
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The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
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My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
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Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'
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