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I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

Adam Carolla

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Adam Carolla
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 27
American Football Player
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
LA
California
Adam Lakers Carolla
Ace Rockolla
Recycl-A-Rolla
Ace in the Hole
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Carolla
Adam Corrolla
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Adam Carolla
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More quotes by Adam Carolla

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Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
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I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.
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I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.
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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.
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Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
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I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine I just happen to be from that world.
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When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.
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My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
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People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
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I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.
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I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
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You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
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When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.
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Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
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It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.
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I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
Adam Carolla