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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.

Adam Carolla

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Adam Carolla
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 27
American Football Player
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Podcaster
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Television Actor
LA
California
Adam Lakers Carolla
Ace Rockolla
Recycl-A-Rolla
Ace in the Hole
Ace carolla
Carolla
Adam Corrolla
Adam corola
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Adam Carolla
Really
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Mediocre
Funny
Awesome
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Staff
Tell
Gonna
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Much
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
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Everyone keeps saying, Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating. It's like saying, How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt? I don't care.
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I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
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If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.
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I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.
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People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.
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I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.
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We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.
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Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!
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I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.
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If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
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I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.
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A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.
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You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.
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I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.
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Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.
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When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
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If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
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