What is with waiters who don't write anything down and memorize your order instead? Are you trying to impress me or something? If you were that smart you wouldn't be a goddamn waiter in the first place.

You only live once is also an equally compelling reason not to do something

A very awkward situation occurs often in New York City when you are walking down a relatively empty sidewalk and there happens to be a person walking right next to you in the same direction as you at the exact same pace as you. I never know whether to pass or draft. It becomes sort of a strange competition.

I think the way you can tell if a guy and girl are in a serious relationship is whether or not they have black and white pictures of themselves together. That's the real test. Because it takes effort to get nice black and white photos. If you've gone that far, there's no turning back.

Video store arguments really bother me. Let's say it's a slow night on campus so you decide to stay in and rent a movie. You're in the video store and finally pick one out and your friend says, 'Oh, don't get that, it was on TV last week.' I hate when people say that. Who cares? Is it on TV right now? No? Good, then let's rent it.