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Jimmy Fallon Inspirational Quotes (229)

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President Obama unveiled a $4 trillion budget for 2016 that would increase taxes on the wealthy and spend more money on education. He also made a snowball and put it in the oven, just to see which would last longer, his budget or the snowball.
Jimmy Fallon
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In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC's Diane Sawyer, 'For all intents and purposes, I'm a woman.' At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.
Jimmy Fallon
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New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates.
Jimmy Fallon
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Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.
Jimmy Fallon
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After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, 'New phone, who dis?'
Jimmy Fallon
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You only think of the best comeback when you leave.
Jimmy Fallon
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President Obama has reduced the sentences of 22 federal prisoners who were arrested for drug-related crimes - eight of whom were serving life sentences. It marks the first time someone has said 'Thanks Obama' but actually meant it.
Jimmy Fallon
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Now that the midterm elections are over, President Obama has invited congressional leaders from both parties to a meeting at the White House tomorrow. When asked if he's nervous, Obama said, 'Oh, I'm not going to be there. I just invited them over. They can figure it out themselves.'
Jimmy Fallon
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Thank you... adjustable baseball caps with no logo on the front and mesh netting in the back, for being a great way to say, 'Hi, I'm over 80 years old.'
Jimmy Fallon
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A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage.
Jimmy Fallon
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This week the Obama administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Then in the middle of Obama's announcement a plant behind him got up and walked away.
Jimmy Fallon
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President Obama said that over 40 countries have offered to help the U.S. fight ISIS. Of course they said it the same way your friends do when they promise to help you move. 'Yeah just call me, you know, if I'm around. It'll be fun.'
Jimmy Fallon
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Researchers in the U.K. have developed a vegetable called super broccoli designed to fight heart disease. Not to be outdone, researchers in America have developed a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo.
Jimmy Fallon
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A political action committee trying to raise money for a 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign is selling “Ready for Hillary” champagne glasses and Christmas ornaments. Because if one thing improves the holidays, it's drinking mixed with politics.
Jimmy Fallon
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Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.
Jimmy Fallon
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Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: We think we're important enough to charge money for our garbage.
Jimmy Fallon
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George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, 'As I like to tell the 'C' students, you too can be president.' Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act.
Jimmy Fallon
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This week, Georgia's board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word Evolution when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called Jesus Horses.
Jimmy Fallon
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I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, 'Thanks, Bo Obama.'
Jimmy Fallon
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Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White's seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.
Jimmy Fallon
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There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.
Jimmy Fallon
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Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that President Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would've responded but he was busy drafting his new 'mandatory Mexican gay weed' bill.
Jimmy Fallon
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In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.'
Jimmy Fallon
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We have a really, really great dog. It doesn't bark. My dog almost smiles, which is weird. He's just a very happy dog.
Jimmy Fallon
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